When the horse is dead, it's time to
dismount. Stop flogging the dead relationship.
For lack of discernment, some people waste years insisting on a
relationship with a person who does not share their passion and
commitment. In the name of loyalty, people fail to end obviously dead
relationships. Some struggle on in relationships that have become a pain
and a burden.
This article is to help people in such
situations. The one guessing whether or not they are still loved and the
one who is stringing someone along even though they know in their hears
that they no longer desire to continue in that relationship.
The
dating period is ideally for getting to know the person that you would
want to spend the rest of your life with. It is possible, that after you
get to know the person, you realize that they are not what you desire.
It is not sin. It's just a fact.
As long as you are
genuine, you are not playing with a person's heart and you are not a
chronic dater, jumping from one relationship to another, don't crucify
yourself if it happens to you.Don't condemn yourself as a failure if you
discover that you are in a wrong relationship. This is why it is
foolish to do anything binding during the dating years e.g. having sex,
buying property together or being surety for each others loans. It is
premature and unwise. Don't make permanent decisions when a relationship
is still temporary.
By all means, don't stay
just because you are too embarrassed to admit that you have made a
mistake.Someone once said, "If you find yourself in a hole, stop
digging". Stop making it worse. Stop trying to revive what God Himself
may be killing. There is a time to embrace and a time to let
go.[Ecclesiastes 3:5]
People are often told DON'T QUIT!
But I say to you, quit! Quit if it gets you back into the will of God.
Quit if it ends a toxic relationship. Quit when you realize you were on
the wrong road. Quit if it makes things right and gets you back on
track.
Marriage is for destiny. If you realize that you
are going nowhere as a couple, do each other a favor and end it.Release
each other with dignity and move on to fulfill God's will and to
eventually connect with your destiny partner.
Let me
clarify here that I am addressing singles. I don't see anywhere in
scripture where God allows married couples to easily separate because of
"irreconcilable differences" and to move on. God is very serious about
the permanence of marriage.
Maybe you are scared that
people will talk. So what if they do? Watasema watachoka, kisha watalala
:-). Maybe you re scared because your family will be disappointed.
Remember, you are marrying for you, not for your family. You are the one
who gets to spend the rest of your life with this person.
Maybe
you are scared of getting embarrassed. That 's pride. Get over it, get
embarrassed and then get on the right path. Embarrassment never killed
anybody. A mature person is willing to face the embarrassment , take
ownership of their mistakes and make corrections. It will be more
embarrassing if you stay together, waste years of marriage together and
then have a messy divorce with children involved. Learn from it and move
on. Become wiser and better from it otherwise you are doomed to repeat
the same cycle.
Remember singles, you have
the privilege of choice.To waste that choice on someone who is obviously
wrong for you or who does not have the same conviction about the
relationship as you do, is tragic indeed. That would be acting like
Herod's daughter who could have had anything she wanted, up to half the
kingdom but ended up with the head of John the Baptist. Nkest!!
Here are some pointers to help you analyze
whether your relationship is dying or dead. We aren't addressing
obvious signs like cheating, violence, dating unbelievers e.t.c.. We
are talking about the more subtle signs. Gentle pointers that highlight
the death of a relationship.
1. THE LINE IS DEAD
When
a person is excited about you, they want to communicate with you as
often as possible. They will call, tweet, text, facebook; whatever it
takes, just to hear from you and to commune with you. When the line from
the other end seems dead, something is wrong. Scrutinize your
communication. Are you the constant initiator? Do they ever bother? Is
your excitement one sided? Value yourself. You also deserve to be
longingly anticipated.
2. THE MISSING FOLLOW UP
When
a person asks you out and goes out with you, they will usually
communicate and let you know what a good time they had. If they don't
follow up the date with any communication, maybe they didn't enjoy it as
much as you did. If you are still waiting after a week, two weeks, a
month, several months and they don't say anything, they are probably not
going to communicate. If you are the only one being superfluous with
gratitude about the date, the excitement is lopsided. It seems the
pleasure was all yours!
Ladies, a man who is excited about
you will not stay silent for days, weeks and months on end after a
date. He may be a gentleman and may be playing polite but the truth is,
he's just not that interested. Don't keep checking why he hasn't called
you back. Don't nag somebody for feedback. Move on. You will find
someone who loves you the way you desire to be loved. Remember, you were
not created to be tolerated. Let dignity guard you! Dignity is the
awareness that you also deserve honor!
3. THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST
One
undeniable result of passion is pursuit. When you are passionate about
something, you create time for it and you prioritize it. When a person
no longer prioritizes your dates, postpones them for flimsy reasons or
seems relieved when something else comes up, they are telling you
something. When your requests to meet are met with excuses, excuses,
excuses like; "I had to work late, I need to do something, my mum sent
me to shaggs, I had homework", they are avoiding you. A person in love
with you cannot get enough of being with you.
When you are
relegated to the bottom of the priority list the relationship is dying.
When you are being endured, it is a bad sign. Don't insist, read the
signs. Maya Angelous said "When people show you who they are,
believe them". Many people who have wasted time waiting for someone,
simply ignored the obvious signs that were presented before them. It's called denial.
If
he/she constantly comes late for dates, because they'd rather be doing
something else more interesting, it's a burning bush signal to you. If
they begin to postpone dates, the burning bush is now talking. If they
don't show up for dates and never say a word, the bush is now shouting
while running round in circles. Someone is definitely missing the
screaming signs.
4. THE THIRD PARTY
Relationships
are for two, but as I read on a flier recently, some people don't know
how to count. When there's a third person competing for your loved one,
and he/she is allowing it, it's time for a relationship review. When
your boy/girl friend seems so taken and in awe of another person, it is a
red flag. When they would rather do anything for that person but you
seem to have to beg, write a petition and a thesis justifying what you
are asking for, you are no longer their number one. You have become a
contingency plan, an option, a has been. You were "now showing" but you
have been overtaken. Watch out, "coming soon" is round the corner.
Also,
when your loved one is completely unmoved if someone else is interested
in you, they are over you. Even God is jealous for His own. When
someone doesn't seem to care whether or not a third party has their
sights on you, they have removed themselves from that equation. It
doesn't matter any more to them whether you go or stay.
When he/she would rather be with their buddies rather than you, the relationship is dead.
5. THE CLANDESTINE POSITION
When
a person is sure that they want to spend the rest of their life with
you, they introduce you to their close friends and family. They will
want you to meet the people that matter to them. Beware of the person
who hides you. Who will not be seen with you in public. Whose family has
never heard of you and who keeps downplaying the "meet and greet". It
is a strong indication that you are not that important to them.
If
you were dating and then suddenly you are the only one introducing
them as your boy/girlfriend, something is wrong. If they introduce you
as their neighbor, friend or prayer partner and seem not to call you
girl/boyfriend anymore, they are over you.
Just to clarify
something here; Never assume that you are dating someone. It doesn't
matter how many dates you have gone for, you have to agree when you are
"officially" boyfriend and girl/friend. If this had happened but the
person now struggles to introduce you as such; they are either
embarrassed about you or not convinced in their heart about you.
6. THE SLOW IT DOWN PLEA
Passion
can be impatient. When a person is excited about something, they want
it now! It doesn't ever seem to happen fast enough. That is why, when
the person you are dating begins to talk in terms of slowing things
down, they are sending a message. They are easing you off. They want to
gently back off from you. I'm not talking about a genuine request to
figure out whether or not they are ready. I'm talking about someone who
just wants more "SPACE" away from you. Don't make it more awkward by
asking " Can I call you after space period is over"? Get the message.
Honorable
people are straight forward and honest in a polite and loving way.
Unfortunately, not everyone is honorable in relationships. It's a sad
thing when you find yourself with someone who doesn't have the backbone
to tell you that they don't think the relationship is going anywhere.
Someone who strings you along and keeps you frustrated and wondering.
What
is worse, is allowing yourself to be stringed along. What is sad is
ignoring the signs and insisting that all is well. Do yourself a favor,
dismount! That horse is long gone.
Don't get bitter and
vindictive. Clarify their position, release them and trust God NEVER to
end up in such a situation again. I often say "Fool me once, shame on
you. Fool me twice, shame on me".
By God's grace and
wisdom, you will find the right and the best person for you.Don't delay
the entrance of that person into your life by holding on to
time wasting relationships.
If you are the person who
knows that you are no longer interested, stop stringing someone along.
Man up. Be honest and gracious and let them know. Don't waste anybody's
time. It is not merciful. It is actually very cruel.
I decree that you have wisdom.You will marry well in Jesus Name!
