Dating: Choosing a parent for your children

When you date with the prospect of getting married, please remember that you are also choosing a PARENT FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

So if the person is already hitting you, rude to you, lazy, unreliable, careless with money, a substance abuser, cheating on you, disregarding God's Word, stressing you.... what kind of influence will they have on your children? What kind of future are you building for your little ones one day?

 #choosewell

In Jesus' Name, you are wise.

Barikiweni!

Obey God in your relationships

Jesus said that the person who HEARS and DOES His Word, is the one who has built on a rock. That is the house that will STAND when the storm comes. If all you do is hear but not do God's Word, your house will come down during the storm.

Don't be surprised if your build your relationship and marriage ignoring God's Word and then it all begins to come crumbling down. Don't ask "Why God why?". It's not God's fault. He has given us His Word to guide and protect us. Be safe and be smart, obey God in your relationship now!

Barikiweni. Have a lovely and productive week.

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All that matters is YOUR man or YOUR woman

Don't busy and embitter yourself with debates about MEN and how they are unfaithful, selfish or lazy. Neither about WOMEN and how they have all become money hungry, rude and unable to care for a home.

Concern yourself only with making sure that when you choose YOUR MAN or YOUR WOMAN, you choose the good one with the great qualities that you want. That way, no matter how much drama is happening out there, you can still have a great marriage like very many people are today.

If you are complaining and waiting until all men and women change, you will wait forever, because all the ranting and debate in the world cannot change all men and all women.

Be wise, #choosewell

Barikiweni. Have a blessed week.

Career strain on your marriage?

19 years ago, my husband was working 7 days a week. In Church ministry, most staff members get their off days on Mondays. There are too many preparations for ministry on Saturday so it has to be a work day. So while the rest of us were off on Monday, my husband had counseling sessions and had to work on Monday to make sure all was well in his department before office opens again on Tuesday. We were newly married and had no time together except in the evenings and as you know, that is also not always guaranteed. What many people do when this happens, is to conclude that it is their fate. “The will of God”. That they should be at least grateful that they have jobs.

We desired time together and so we wrote a petition to God to help us have time together. At least an off day where we could do what normal couples do; go shopping, go visiting, go for outings or just relax at home together. Our attitude has always been that you don’t have to choose between one or the other when it comes to God’s blessings. You can have all that you desire. One blessing does not have to negate the other. Good jobs or businesses do not have to negate life or time together. It’s up to you. What do you believe for?

So we wrote the petition, prayed, signed it and dated it [you might need to learn about the prayer of petition]. From then on, we would diligently just thank God in faith. As I write today, we spend EVERYDAY together. It began by him being given that Monday officially off and eventually, when we began ministry, we had everyday together. It’s been so for the past 17 years. We are ministers and we run business together. We have been re-paid for the time that we lost; good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over.  Forget those who tell you that spouses cannot work together. That it’s too stifling. I loooove working with him. To date, even when he has to go out often and work late, I still miss him. Why? Coz I really enjoy his company. I married my best friend. God answered our prayer and for that, we are forever grateful. We are truly blessed, but make no mistake, it didn’t just fall on our laps. We had to push for it in faith and prayer. We’ve had to close our minds to impossibility and keep believing that it was possible.

I’m writing this to encourage you. Ask God for what you want. Don’t settle for living in different towns, different nations or barely having time together. You don’t have to choose one or the other. Ask God for favour, ask God for wisdom, ask God for transfers, ask God for business ideas. He will help you. He wants to help you. He designed for married people to do life together and that involves living together and having time to spend with each other. Only believe!

Barikiweni. Have a lovely week.

ON MY WEDDING DAY

On my wedding day, I woke up in my best maids house. Not in my parent's house as it's "supposed" to be. My parents had moved out of town many years prior. All through my life I had friends who constantly dreamed of the day when they would finally leave home but in my case, home left me. I would have wanted it to be different but I decided to enjoy what I had rather than whine about what I didn't have. God is so faithful, he gave me a mentor and boss who became my best friend and was like a mother to me. God will restore to you what you've lost and make it even more beautiful that what you could have imagined. Don't be so engrossed in what could have been. Enjoy what is.

On my wedding day I did my own make up. I wasn't trying to be cheap or humble. I just never imagined it any other way. That was me! My best maid and I had a late breakfast, did a facial and lay down as our masks dried up, going through girly magazines. Bliss! Never fit into the mold of what others feel should be the norm. Enjoy your life your way. If you want a barefoot wedding at the beach, go ahead. If you want a rustic wedding in your favorite ushago spot, go for it. If you want Cinderella to be jealous of your dress and decor, go for it. It's your day. Don't have other people's dream wedding on their behalf.

On my wedding day, we had no honeymoon plans. You see, we had decided that we were not going to go in to debt or to hassle people for money. We were going to live withing our means. God is either able or He isn't. We believed that He was. We didn't have a committee to arm twist for money or a fundraiser. We refused to mug people politely and not to pressure our friends.We sowed seed, we prayed, we saved, we worked, we gave and we trusted. By the end of the day, through faith, our own saving and through people's free will giving, the honeymoon was paid for. We flew there and back and spend an awesome time in an awesome resort. Don't panic, trust God.

On my wedding day, the unthinkable happened. My menses came. Brides, don't panic when this happens. Don't think your day is doomed. All day I had bad cramps, nausea and a bad headache. I was a bit frail. I remember shaking coz my bouquet was so heavy and my strength was not up to par. But I smiled for the camera, sang to my groom and enjoyed my day. The quality of life is not determined by what happens to you but by how you respond to it. Your response is your responsibility. Refuse to let unexpected twists floor you.

On my wedding day I experienced mercy. I had hurt some people along the way because of insensitivity and some not so good decisions. I had hurt a tailor here, a friend there, a relative elsewhere. I regretted it a lot. I thank God that they graced me anyway. They came, they celebrated with us and they even gave us gifts. It's never worth it hurting the ones you love and losing relationships because of your focused efforts to do things your way. Even when you may not agree, even if service providers dissapoint you, be gracious. Walk in love and stay at peace with people without allowing yourself to be controlled and manipulated. Good people are precious. Don't let your focus blind you. Don't be a diva and don't give ultimatums. Please NEVER tell your parents "We are doing things our way so you better line up or you may not even get an invitation!"

On my wedding day, I had my priorities right. I asked God to walk me down the aisle as my Ultimate Father. My greatest priority was His presence and His pleasure. The presence of God was so great, I remember pastor almost falling down and taking a step backward to stay steady. God's presence was so strong and so sweet. One by one, we began to cry. We had a mini cry fest. God was in the house. I had my closest friends as my bridal party. Not photogenic strangers. I was so thrilled to be joined to the love of my life, every other detail was secondary. Do the right thing, do it because it's right and do it the right way and let God show up and show off for you.

I thank God for the things that went very well. We made it on time, the worship was awesome, my nephews were so cute, the candles were so beautiful and the rain at the end of the day was like a divine signature signing off at the end of a perfect day.

Weddings are like that. They are rarely ever picture perfect. Much like relationships. Don't be fooled by the glossy photos, flawless makeup, and brilliant smiles. Don't think your marriage must be doomed because you had an argument during the honeymoon.  Don't lose a good relationship because things are not perfect. Don't let your little flaws blind you to your great qualities together. Celebrate what you have.

Baraka!

RUN JOSEPH RUN!

Sometimes the wisest cause of action is to RUN!!

Joseph did not enter into a discourse about "The dangers of extramarital affairs" with Photiphar's wife, he ran.

When the angel told Joseph [Jesus' father] that Herod was after the child, he didn't tell him to read "How to win friends and influence people" He told him to run!

When the Jews wanted to kill Paul, He did not try to win their favor by reciting the law, He ran!

On a number of occasions, when they wanted to kill Jesus, He "hid Himself and went His way" John 8:59

Some of you need to get out of the environment of those who are consistently tempting you, pressuring to do wrong or just plain trying to sabotage and destroy you. As you pray, as you regroup, as you get counsel, I decree that you know when it's time to go your way and save your life!

Sometimes the greatest faith is demonstrated through leaving!

PUT A RING ON IT!

It is a tragedy to spend so much [time, emotions, money, lyrics, romance] on the WRONG PERSON! It's heart breaking.

Be "stingy" with these heart investments until you are very sure about the person you are interested in. Let them qualify. And pliz don't spend your body on them if you are not married. It will hurt like nothing you can imagine, when you realize that they are wrong for you. God created that rule, to protect you!

You wouldn't entrust your money and your valuables to a stranger whom you have "good feelings" about, please don't expose your life and body to a person because of emotions. Be diligent in discernment.

Barikiweni

THE CONFIDENT ROMANTIC

During dinner tonight, there was a trio guitarist troupe playing music. They began playing MALAIKA and I thought; Great song but has a defeatist, poverty & victim mentality. So here's Malaika for the visionary winner that's full of faith.

Malaika, nitakuoa malaika
Malaika, nitakuoa malaika
Najua nitafanyaje kijana mwenzio
Sishindwi na mali wala we
Nitakuoa malaika!

Guys, a few things are more attractive than a confident [not arrogant], faith filled man who believes that there is a way is willing to pay the price to make it.

Barikiweni!

IS IT TIME TO END THAT RELATIONSHIP

When the horse is dead, it's time to dismount. Stop flogging the dead relationship.

For lack of discernment, some people waste years insisting on a relationship with a person who does not share their passion and commitment. In the name of loyalty, people fail to end obviously dead relationships. Some struggle on in relationships that have become a pain and a burden.

This article is to help people in such situations. The one guessing whether or not they are still loved and the one who is stringing someone along even though they know in their hears that they no longer desire to continue in that relationship.

The dating period is ideally for getting to know the person that you would want to spend the rest of your life with. It is possible, that after you get to know the person, you realize that they are not what you desire. It is not sin. It's just a fact.

As long as you are genuine, you are not playing with a person's heart and you are not a chronic dater, jumping from one relationship to another, don't crucify yourself if it happens to you.Don't condemn yourself as a failure if you discover that you are in a wrong relationship. This is why it is foolish to do anything binding during the dating years e.g. having sex, buying property together or being surety for each others loans. It is premature and unwise. Don't make permanent decisions when a relationship is still temporary.

By all means, don't stay just because you are too embarrassed to admit that you have made a mistake.Someone once said, "If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging". Stop making it worse. Stop trying to revive what God Himself may be killing. There is a time to embrace and a time to let go.[Ecclesiastes 3:5]

People are often told DON'T QUIT! But I say to you, quit! Quit if it gets you back into the will of God. Quit if it ends a toxic relationship. Quit when you realize you were on the wrong road. Quit if it makes things right and gets you back on track.

Marriage is for destiny. If you realize that you are going nowhere as a couple, do each other a favor and end it.Release each other with dignity and move on to fulfill God's will and to eventually connect with your destiny partner.

Let me clarify here that I am addressing singles. I don't see anywhere in scripture where God allows married couples to easily separate because of "irreconcilable differences" and to move on. God is very serious about the permanence of marriage.

Maybe you are scared that people will talk. So what if they do? Watasema watachoka, kisha watalala :-). Maybe you re scared because your family will be disappointed. Remember, you are marrying for you, not for your family. You are the one who gets to spend the rest of your life with this person.

Maybe you are scared of getting embarrassed. That 's pride. Get over it, get embarrassed and then get on the right path. Embarrassment never killed anybody. A mature person is willing to face the embarrassment , take ownership of their mistakes and make corrections. It will be more embarrassing if you stay together, waste years of marriage together and then have a messy divorce with children involved. Learn from it and move on. Become wiser and better from it otherwise you are doomed to repeat the same cycle.


Remember singles, you have the privilege of choice.To waste that choice on someone who is obviously wrong for you or who does not have the same conviction about the relationship as you do, is tragic indeed. That would be acting like Herod's daughter who could have had anything she wanted, up to half the kingdom but ended up with the head of John the Baptist.  Nkest!!

Here are some pointers to help you analyze whether your relationship is dying or dead. We aren't addressing obvious  signs like cheating, violence, dating unbelievers e.t.c.. We are talking about the more subtle signs. Gentle pointers that highlight the death of a relationship.


1. THE LINE IS DEAD
When a person is excited about you, they want to communicate with you as often as possible. They will call, tweet, text, facebook; whatever it takes, just to hear from you and to commune with you. When the line from the other end seems dead, something is wrong. Scrutinize your communication. Are you the constant initiator? Do they ever bother? Is your excitement one sided? Value yourself. You also deserve to be longingly anticipated.

2. THE MISSING FOLLOW UP
When a person asks you out and goes out with you, they will usually communicate and let you know what a good time they had. If they don't follow up the date with any communication, maybe they didn't enjoy it as much as you did. If you are still waiting after a week, two weeks, a month, several months and they don't say anything, they are probably not going to communicate. If you are the only one being superfluous with gratitude about the date, the excitement is lopsided. It seems the pleasure was all yours!

Ladies, a man who is excited about you will not stay silent for days, weeks and months on end after a date. He may be a gentleman and may be playing polite but the truth is, he's just not that interested. Don't keep checking  why he hasn't called you back. Don't nag somebody for feedback. Move on. You will find someone who loves you the way you desire to be loved. Remember, you were not created to be tolerated. Let dignity guard you! Dignity is the awareness that you also deserve honor!

3.  THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST
One undeniable result of passion is pursuit. When you are passionate about something, you create time for it and you prioritize it. When a person no longer prioritizes your dates, postpones them for flimsy reasons or seems relieved when something else comes up, they are telling you something. When your requests to meet are met with excuses, excuses, excuses like; "I had to work late, I need to do something, my mum sent me to shaggs, I had homework", they are avoiding you. A person in love with you cannot get enough of being with you.

When you are relegated to the bottom of the priority list the relationship is dying. When you are being endured,  it is a bad sign. Don't insist, read the signs. Maya Angelous said "When people show you who they are, believe them". Many people who have wasted time waiting for someone, simply ignored the obvious signs that were presented before them. It's called denial.

If he/she constantly comes late for dates, because they'd rather be doing something else more interesting,  it's a burning bush signal to you. If they begin to postpone dates, the burning bush is now talking. If they don't show up for dates and never say a word, the bush is now shouting while running round in circles. Someone is definitely missing the screaming signs.

4. THE THIRD PARTY
Relationships are for two, but as I read on a flier recently, some people don't know how to count. When there's a third person competing for your loved one, and he/she is allowing it, it's time for a relationship review. When your boy/girl friend seems so taken and in awe of another person, it is a red flag. When they would rather do anything for that person but you seem to have to beg, write a petition and a thesis justifying what you are asking for, you are no longer their number one. You have become a contingency plan, an option, a has been. You were "now showing" but you have been overtaken. Watch out, "coming soon" is round the corner.

Also, when your loved one is completely unmoved if someone else is interested in you, they are over you. Even God is jealous for His own. When someone doesn't seem to care whether or not a third party has their sights on you, they have removed themselves from that equation. It doesn't matter any more to them whether you go or stay.

When he/she would rather be with their buddies rather than you, the relationship is dead.

5. THE CLANDESTINE POSITION
When a person is sure that they want to spend the rest of their life with you, they introduce you to their close friends and family. They will want you to meet the people that matter to them. Beware of the person who hides you. Who will not be seen with you in public. Whose family has never heard of you and who keeps downplaying the "meet and greet". It is a strong indication that you are not that important to them.

If you were dating and then suddenly you are the only one  introducing them as your boy/girlfriend, something is wrong. If they introduce you as their neighbor, friend or prayer partner and seem not to call you girl/boyfriend anymore, they are over you.

Just to clarify something here; Never assume that you are dating someone. It doesn't matter how many dates you have gone for, you have to agree when you are "officially" boyfriend and girl/friend. If this had happened but the person now struggles to introduce you as such; they are either embarrassed about you or not convinced in their heart about you.

6.  THE SLOW IT DOWN PLEA
Passion can be impatient. When a person is excited about something, they want it now! It doesn't ever seem to happen fast enough. That is why, when the person you are dating begins to talk in terms of slowing things down, they are sending a message. They are easing you off. They want to gently back off from you. I'm not talking about a genuine request to figure out whether or not they are ready. I'm talking about someone who just wants more "SPACE" away from you. Don't make it more awkward by asking " Can I call you after space period is over"? Get the message.

Honorable people are straight forward and honest in a polite and loving way. Unfortunately, not everyone is honorable in relationships. It's a sad thing when you find yourself with someone who doesn't have the backbone to tell you that they don't think the relationship is going anywhere. Someone who strings you along and keeps you frustrated and wondering.

What is worse, is allowing yourself to be stringed along. What is sad is ignoring the signs and insisting that all is well. Do yourself a favor, dismount! That horse is long gone.

Don't get bitter and vindictive. Clarify their position, release them and trust God NEVER to end up in such a situation again. I often say "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me".

By God's grace and wisdom, you will find the right and the best person for you.Don't delay the entrance of that person into your life by holding on to time wasting relationships.

If you are the person who knows that you are no longer interested, stop stringing someone along. Man up. Be honest and gracious and let them know. Don't waste anybody's time. It is not merciful. It is actually very cruel.

I decree that you have wisdom.You will marry well in Jesus Name!

DON'T GET MARRIED IF...

If you're not ready to delay gratification when your are angry. To hold your tongue, lower your voice and sometimes wait till the appropriate time, day or even month before you can deal with an issue thoroughly.... don't get married. Immaturity is the inability to delay gratification. Marriage is for the mature.

If you're not ready to leave center stage and allow someone else to become your focus, your study, your muse... don't get married. Selfish people make very bad spouses. In marriage you don't lose yourself but your heart has to be big enough to gain someone else. And soon, with God's blessing: little, crying, diaper soiling, demanding little ones are coming!

If you are not ready, to stand up and calmly deal with meddling in laws as a united front: The opinionated sister, the insensitive uncle, the domineering father, the manner less brother, the nosy aunt..... don't get married. Boundaries do not exist automatically, they must be created. A good spouse is committed to respectfully stand up for and protect their marriage from meddling relatives. Don't abandon your spouse to your relatives. It's betrayal.

If you are not ready to pay bills.... don't get married. Love does not pay bills. Kenya power will not give a waiver because your love is O so strong and your gazes at each other, O so romantic.

If you are not ready to let go of your opposite sex "best friends" and invest that into your spouse. To like, to laugh, to play, to be silly and to enjoy life with them, above anyone else... don't get married. Affairs happen because people did not marry their best friends. Someone else holds their heart. Someone else gets them better. Someone else inspires them more. Marry your best friend and cultivate your friendship so that you remain best friends.

If you are not ready to stop competing with the Joneses.... don't get married. Let the Joneses buy their yatch when you are still walking, and enjoy the walk. Your journeys are different. They may have to cross the oceans but you may be going through the road route. A boat might not do you any good on your journey. You must be ready to pace yourselves: stop competing, stop spending your future before you get there, stop the debt, stop trying to impress people. You must be able to be content. To enjoy your journey without deciding your happiness simply by measuring your progress against other people.

If you are not ready to be an open book. To tell the whole story of your past, deal with the memories, expose the failures and risk rejection.... don't get married. It is fraud to have someone sign off their life to you without the full details. The past is a touchy and demanding friend. It always shows up in the marriage. It doesn't enjoy being ignored and the more you snob, the bolder it becomes and the more tantrums it throws. It will mess up the "neat" and "all together lovely" image that you are struggling to maintain.

If you are not ready to let go of your philandering and wild oats farming.... don't get married. Don't take somebody's son or daughter and subject them to your germs, your indiscretions and your chips fungaz. It never ends well. It's romanticized in the movies, it's being fronted as the only "realistic" way to stay married and keep the fire burning. But truth be told, the only thing that the fire will burn will be you, your spouse and your children. That family will burn for generations in bitterness, disease, fear, failure, hatred, broken hearts, broken dreams and conniving.

Finally, if you are not ready to let go of the adrenalin rush ofa risque life and to settle down.... don't get married. The great  Colombus [who we were told "discovered" America, Have you ever wondered if the Native Indians who were in it, knew that it existed :-)] had a diary that was long sought for. People wanted to read about the wild journeys, the sea tempest, the reckless pirates they fought, the death and the danger they must have encountered. When it was found, there was great disappointment. Majority of the pages simply had 5 words: "This day, we sailed on.".

Marriage, like life in general, has many "we sail on" days. You have to learn to find the thrill in the normal everydayness of it. If you depend on wild romance, all night sex [ha], romantic cruises, wild parties, compulsive moves across continents, tempestuous fights and make up sessions to be happy, you may be disappointed. You have to learn to thrill in gentle smiles, loving hugs, knowing looks, cozy moments, shared chores, cute babies, everyday work, dreaming together, praying together and simply living together. If these things are not thrilling, exciting and satisfying, you will look for a way out. The "boom twaff" moments are still there, but they are normally punctuations to the usualness of living. They cannot be your reason for getting married. They are unsustainable on an every day basis. The one you choose  must be thrilling to you even in the most mundane of moments.

I pray this helps someone. Remember singles, YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF CHOICE. Never let anyone pressure you into marriage. You are either ready or you're not: You decide!. But please don't marry somebody and then punish them to live with your childish ways for the rest of their lives :-). A childish baby is cute but a childish adult is extremely frustrating.

Marriage is for the mature and in many ways, we the married, are still being confronted with the demand to grow up day by day. If you are not ready for that demand, don't get married!!!!

Barikiweni.

BY PASTOR JUDY KARANJA