Dear Single lady, please do not propose to Him!

This question keeps coming up at our Singles Forum. "Should I propose marriage to my man?

I have heard the arguments in support of this. The women's liberation lingo and modernity stances. I have seen people who did it. I have observed the effects over time, I have studied the Word and this is my conclusion. I pray it helps someone.

Men, please be man enough to propose to the woman that you want to marry. Don't keep her guessing and wondering and least of all don't let her, out of waiting fatigue, propose to you.

Ladies, allow him the dignity of asking you. Allow yourself the dignity of being asked. Why?

1. In every God ordained proposal that I see in the Bible, the man seeks, approaches and asks the woman for marriage. She may notice him first, talk to him first, approach him first and even nudge him on [Ruth], but he [or his representative, in Isaac's case] proposes.

2. God ordained for the man to be the leader in the home. God is the head of Christ, Christ of the man and man of the woman [in the family set up]. If he is not man enough to lead in asking for marriage, you may be getting into trouble. You may be dealing with a man who is slower than you desire or who does not want commitment. A lot of the women who propose to their men are go-getters. Eventually, they reach a place in the marriage where they are fed up of "mothering" and leading him. They want a man who knows what he wants and can lead. They begin to nag him about it. This I believe is unfair. Don’t propose to him and then nag him for the rest of his life about how slow he is. Get the one who is man enough to lead you well.

3. Also, on the issue of leadership. God always deals with one leader. Not because they are better than the others but because He is a God of order. Like in an organization, everyone at every level can have great ideas, front great ideas and desire particular changes. But nothing can take off until the leader agrees to it. Why? Because otherwise, the organization would be chaotic, headed in different directions and unable to function as one.

Also, the leader, as the one who will be responsible and accountable to the highest authority for his department’s decision, has to be in agreement. Working this way exposes the idea to his leadership bias. He adds and subtracts from it according to the bigger picture [that individual team players may not see] and then he is able to own it, defend it, take responsibility for it and work with his team to provide what is necessary for it's fulfilment.

It's the same in marriage. The husband is like a good CEO and a family is like a good team. As a CEO he should be wise enough to hear everyone out, to pray, consider everyone’s needs, discuss, make sacrifices for his team members, decide and rally his family. It creates unity, harmony and one mind in the family. It helps a family to avoid confusion and misunderstandings. As a man or woman, if you cannot cope in this process [right from your dating days], you will have a hard time in marriage.  The man will not be a good leader and the woman will eventually walk in rebellion and even cause a mutiny with the children because of his poor leadership. I often say that the most rampant and common rebellions in our generation, happen in the home. This may not be music to the typical feminist’s ear, but experience has proven it over time.

4. Another reason is that, generally speaking, women tend to be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit than men. There are always exceptions to the rule but ladies usually sense things faster and discern things sooner. You have to learn to be tactful in nudging him and speaking to him wisely so that he doesn't feel "hen - pecked" or disrespected. Remember, it is his number one need. You have to learn how to take things into the prayer closet, pray until he sees what you are seeing even as you talk to him about it. Don’t bulldoze, bully or threaten him. You have to be patient. You have to learn to trust God that if it is a good idea for you two, he will help you show your man, just like He showed Joseph in a dream and convinced him, beyond what Mary could do. It's an amazing skill that you need for your marriage. Practicing it before marriage is good training. Here it from me, it will massively help your marriage.

4.  Finally, I have observed that when problems arise later in the marriage and the woman is the one who proposed to the man, there often arises a wondering from the man if he was manipulated and from the woman, whether she was ever desired enough. No matter how modern a woman is, there is still an innate need in her to be wanted and pursued. She "silently" feels short changed. Doubts can arise in any relationship but this scenario causes unusual amounts of doubts and skepticism. You don't need to put yourself through that. If he wants you, let him “put a ring on it”.

That's what I have for now. No matter how popular this trend is becoming. I'm convinced that it is unwise. Time always tells!